What Is Love?

Empress By Empress, 3rd Apr 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Columns & Opinions

Always questioning and always pondering what love truly is.

What Is It?

What is love? I'm sure I'm not the only one that has asked this question at some point in their life. At every point in someone's life they are going to question the idea of love. What is it? How does it form, where does it come from, and of course, does it die? At some point people are inclined to find the answer and follow through with the rest of their lives without questioning the concept again. I've hit the perverbial wall when it comes to the topic of love. I once used to believe fully in the concept of falling in love and having someone to love for the rest of my life. I believed in fairy tales, in happily ever afters and true love conquering all. I also believed that once you love someone it never dies. That even if the relationship ends, the love will grow and change into something else but that it will never truly die.

Assumptions

I was wrong in all of my assumptions. At least by my experiences I have come up with answers that truly do no match what I believed. In the face of watching people I have loved hurt me, leave, disappear, die and just drop me like a hot potatoe I've become inclined to believe that perhaps love does not truly exist at all. Perhaps love is a concept that we, as humans, have created to explain certain chemical responses that occur within our brains.
But let me make this perfectly clear, the love that we have for our own family, children included is something far different from the love I am speaking of. At least I hope. The feelings of love I have for my children are by far entirely indescribable and un ending. I would kill for those precious boys of mine. And the love I feel for my family, although at times feels as if is not reciprocated can not die either. I would and will forever do whatever I can for my family. And I would hope that they feel the same towards me.
So this leaves the fairy tale love. The love between two souls that are not family. Lovers, couples...is this a real love? Or is this the concept that people cling to to explain all the bursts of chemical responses that occur within their brains when they are around that specific person? I don't mean to place it in such a scientific manner but I'm really at a loss of any other way to put it. It's truly sad for me to be sitting here questioning this. I've tried over and over to tell myself that I have just lost faith, that I am wrong in all my assumptions and that all my calculations are entirely incorrect and absolutely wrong.

Destined For Love?

What has happened to me? When did I become so cynical towards the belief of something so beautiful and magical? To answer either of these questions would mean to go deep into my psyche and to go over every rotten, awful, painful experience I have ever had with the fated and ill gotten word of love. Perhaps I was never meant for love....perhaps this is why I can not understand it. To be born unwanted, to be told from such a young age that the only reason I was adopted was because they felt an obligation, to spend the rest of my life trying to gain the approval and love of a family that just seemed to keep me at arms length, none of this can possibly help me to feel love. But I never gave up on the concept....thirty years I have continually believed that I was destined for love. That just like the rest of humanity I would someday be loved and things would work out.

The Love Tank

It is now, in the year of my thirtieth birthday that I find myself finally admitting that the belief of love is very quickly slipping through my fingers and out of my grasp.
Now let me just put this out there, just because I am losing faith in love does not mean that I don't love. I love with absolutely everything that I have. My heart, my soul and everything that is in the fibre of my being I give towards loving the ones in my life. I love the ones that hurt me and I love more the ones that need me. But I have yet to have it reciprocated. I have yet to feel that love from someone else. And with each time that I give all that I am in the name I love I find that my so called love tank gets drained another quarter. Now I'm damn near empty and losing entire hope to feel it at full ever again. I'm terrified to know what happens to me when that tank is completely empty. And now, that final little bit I'm holding on to and I'm scared to give it away only to have it never returned, yet again.

Chemical Reactions

My heart has been so terribly scarred and damaged by the loss of love that I have felt, over and over again. I couldn't possibly survive having this tank of mine drained fully. Like running a vehicle on fumes, is where I'm at now. I have a hard time believing in love all together. Perhaps I've run dry already. I have a deep fear to even say the word outloud anymore. As sad as it is. I know the feeling when I love someone. I know that chemical response within my brain. That undying need to help in any way that I possibly can, to take on the challenge of carrying any and all burdens. This is when I know I'm trying to give love again. But this time around, I'm far too afraid to say it, far too afraid to let it go and I find myself in an inner struggle. My brain is telling me that love is not real. "C'mon Lisa, you know from everything that love does not exist for you. Don't bother giving anything, you won't get it returned." Followed by my heart telling me to take the leap of faith. "Lisa, you will never receive if you don't give. Life is about taking the chance, give in, you know you want to. You are love." It's a non stop battle, and some days I feel like I'm going to go crazy with these feelings.
So now, I've managed to convince myself that love is just a concept. It's just a word given to the chemical reactions going on in the brain. I can train myself not to be hurt when it is not given back because you can't give back a chemical reaction. I will continue to give, because it is like helping but I will never expect it to come back to me. Not anymore. I won't give in to the possibility that someone could love me....you know why?

Can Never Run Dry

Because true love is not expected to be returned. True love, the love that we should all be giving should never have the rule of being said back, or returned in favor. There should never be any expectations to love. Love has no rules, no boundaries, no expectations. When a person throws it out there there should never be a demand of it coming back. This is what love is. It's giving all of you, doing all you can for someone. It is knowing that you will never be the same, wether returned or not, it will change you forever. The tank will never run completely dry. You may have to run on fumes for a while but know that at some point it will refill itself, sometimes if you are lucky someone will come along and help that tank fill, and other times you will be solely and fully responsible for filling it yourself. That's the point I will believe myself to be at. I'm on fumes and need to refill. I've always refilled my own tank....maybe this time I'll get lucky. Maybe I won't. If I'm not, I'll stay cynical and question the true meaning and definition of love for a while until I'm full again. If I'm lucky, I won't have to question this anymore. I can't lose faith, the day I do....is the day I end it all in a true and glorious blaze of glory

Tags

Heartbroken, Love

Meet the author

author avatar Empress
I write and have published poetry and was editor of the school newspaper all through highschool. I can write a variety of different genres from articles to novels

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Comments

author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
4th Apr 2014 (#)

Very nice post!

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
6th Apr 2014 (#)

Love is the true essence of our being like Gravity to Planet Earth that creates a magical vibration that attracts the One who believes in it to come closer while repelling the Ones who was not destined to be farther into the realms of tears including jealousy for the One who gets it true.
Its not Love thy neighbor but don't get caught, but on the contrary be the One who makes everyone look and swoon with respect with a twinge of jealousy for the essence they both share. Its called the Power of Love and not mistaken with sex which is just a personification of that ultimate source of that being falling in love, where no other in this world can put asunder when it is real and true.

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author avatar NiteMonster
28th Apr 2014 (#)

Love may be a chemical reaction. Put enough oxytocin in your veins and you'll want to marry a carrot. It isn't that. Just the chemistry. It is what we create and what we allow. We can get that flood from the right look at the right time but we owe it to ourselves to take a beat and analyze what is going on. I am not suggesting taking all the romance out of it but to at least look at the source of our feeling/chemical cascade. On the other hand it is possible to create love for those that are simply good for us. It is done in arranged marriages all the time. Be close to someone and you will develop a relationship with them. Nurture that relatioship and it can grow. We can also hang on to love that we should release. Listening to answering machine messages and old photos over and over provokes old feelings and familiar rivers of chemistry. Love is an enigma. A ride we have total control over but one which is so much more enjoyed in the freefall of release of that control. You have to decide when you are going to ride the ride and when you are going to be the one in control. Examine what the advantages are. This does not mean you have to become a cold and calculated person. It only means you have more control than you may believe you do..

Be and enjoy.

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