Why I wrote "Listen, Poems on Being Gay, Bi-polar and Alive

Andres Fragoso Jr By Andres Fragoso Jr, 21st Sep 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Poetry

Listen is a poetry book that holds a collection of my deepest thoughts, fears and reasons for living. I scare myself when I read it and wonder what was I going through.

Living with the unknown

Ever since I can remember I always had trouble adjusting to my surroundings. I also had trouble letting go of new friends every time we moved, which was every year. My mother didn't know at the time what was wrong with her son. She took me to neurologists, witch doctors, MRI scans, nutritionists and many more that I can't remember and I'm afraid to ask. I was a difficult child to deal with.
Eventually in my mid 20's I was diagnosed with Acute Depression. I went crazy with manias, didn't know if I was coming or going. I moved from one town to another with only a handful of dollars and nothing more. I have given away all my stuff and moved. Just like that. Hiding from who knows what.

Diagnosed with Bi-polar

During my many job changes I stumbled upon a spam email and it said to submit a poem. I submitted "My Vanessa My Butterfly" a poem dedicated to my sister. It got published and many more came after that.
I finally got real help when I moved to Los Angeles from Las Vegas and went into experimental drug programs. I was diagnosed with bi-polar and sent out to the appropriate medical help. I still did the experiments only now for bi-polar.
For many years I was a zombie. I was awake but asleep. I was asleep but awake. I was being prosecuted. There were snakes under my bed. I hid in my apartment for days with the phone off and family knocking down my doors to see if I was still alive. I couldn't drive because I didn't know where I was.

Writing is Therapeutic

During those traumatic years of being lost I wrote short stories, poems, suicide notes turned into poems, expressed feelings that were once suppressed, fears, spells, wishes, love, hate, acceptance of being gay, expectations of a Mexican, not wanting to find the love of my life, confessions of hurt, and ultimately Pandora's jar was empty even of Hope.

I wrote the silliest of things. I wrote some deep thought provoking prose. I wrote without knowing what I wrote. I look back and see all of my grammatical errors, my syntax's, my shortcomings as a novice writer. Today I write better due to classes, groups, and my want to be published again.

Putting Listen Together

One of many readers suggested I write songs. Nope, I'm tone deaf, can't carry a tune. Another suggested a book. Nope, all I had were short stories and I didn't know where those were going. And yet another suggested I compile those poems and publish them.

I did. I compiled all the poems, saved money and self-published. I look at it now and see all the mistakes of a novice writer. I am keeping those mistakes because it show how scared I was and how I didn't care of anything.

When you read it, don't proof read it. It's purposely done that way to show a contrast of my new poems and how much I have improved. It's symbolic of my own emotions, growth, and love for life that I have now.

You can find it at Outskirts Press. You'll get a laugh at the Author Picture. I don't know what I was going through with the hair style. It's so gay.

The Poem that started it all

My Vanessa, My Butterfly
To my sister Vanessa

You're the only one that can keep me in place
You don't let me fly too far out
You keep me grounded and in place.

My judgment may not be the same as before
But with you by my side you taught me more
You show me how to fly quietly and peacefully
You show me how to fly like a Monarch Butterfly.

Your youth of a cocoon has taught me
That at my age of old and decay
I am still young and can still fly
You are my sister, you are my Butterfly.

© Andres Fragoso, Jr.

I am alive today

Today I smell the fresh almost Autumn air. The birds are singing and the sky is bright. I have my nephew today and we're going to a party for one of his friends. He's six years old and I love him so much.
Once his mother kept me alive and now her son is keeping me alive.
Today I am alive and I hope that those with bi-polar can see that they are not alone. I wrote to dispel my inner demons. I hope you find a way to dispel yours.

Tags

Alive, Bipolar, Gay, Listen, Poems

Meet the author

author avatar Andres Fragoso Jr
Andres is an avid reader and writer. As a gay man he works hard when writing to promote non-stereotypical gay personification.

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Comments

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
21st Sep 2013 (#)

Thank you, Andres. For every writer, finding their voice, their writing style, keeping syntaxes straight, and making sure of plural vs. singular and other parts of speech take time.

When writers are in the midst of mental health issues or finding identity, those things do not matter. I can only assume that since you are paying attention to them now, your mental health is better, too.

I sincerely hope this is the case and that you contribute more to Wikinut. I would welcome an opportunity to read more. ~Marilyn

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author avatar Andres Fragoso Jr
21st Sep 2013 (#)

Thank you Marilyn.
Yes, my mental health is much, much better. Steadily stable. Okay, bad sentence. I try to keep busy working, writing and enjoying life. It's hard, especially writing. I have the attentions span of a chameleon. I am working on one subject. Then there were three. Wait. where was I? Yes. I am working on one subject and then in the middle of it I change gears and start a new one.
I have been working on a novel for over 10 years and I'm no where near completion. That's because I'm fleshing one out now.
Again, thank you for your kind comments.

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author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
22nd Sep 2013 (#)

Thanks for sharing your innermost thoughts and life with us that should prove educational and encouragement to many. Life is not easy even for the balanced and then what about those with issues to combat on a daily basis? I wish you the best, Andres - keep the chin up - siva

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
22nd Sep 2013 (#)

Husband suffers from Manic disorder and Bipolar. Never ever knew why he flared tempers or tried to harm us in the night to make a cop call at 2am. It was what happened last year that changed our lives forever wherein, I am just grateful he is alive and with his mother (epicentre of the main trouble) and brothers. Sad thing is he ditched the family and robbed us of everything.

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
22nd Sep 2013 (#)

There is hope and you can always lead a normal life and he proved this to me but unfortunately his family and ancillary people don't believe this. So my son and myself stay away from him.

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author avatar Blake C. Patria
24th Mar 2014 (#)

Duuuuuuude . . . it's like The People Inside the Folds sent you, but then they told me it was my Ubergeist all along. I'm wicked glad that you exist!

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