Without dimensions

Sidzo By Sidzo, 2nd Dec 2012 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/2ocb9hur/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>True Stories

That's the thing with our feeble hearts; You couldn't possibly go too far away.

A living room apologue

In that sprawling rented bungalow, I’m walking around collecting my thoughts - a glass of fresh juice in one hand, fiddling with my specs with the other - one long, slow, dragged step at a time. The loose clothes make me immensely comfortable with the new humid surroundings, as opposed to my day’s formal attire. Gently, I wipe the little droplets of sweat on my brow, and throw a far glance from the open window out into the infinite stretch of the strange land I was in, not adjusted to its many peculiarities yet.
I strike a small conversation with the helper downstairs about the dinner that she was to make. I ask for a delicacy of the people here. A man of taste, I call myself, a gourmet, if u may, and this tendency to savour new tastes makes the irresistible wait until dinner longer than it already is.
The doorbell rings. I did not notice anyone come in from the driveway.
I gallop down the stairs, two at a time, with a sudden burst of adrenaline, the rush of expectation to converse with a known face. The bell rings again, twice this time, as I stride through the grand hall.
‘I’m coming!’, I yell. At the door is a tiny kid, much like the others around, looking at me with tiny expecting eyes. I have no knowledge of the language, and as such, I’m dumbfounded. He signals for a ball. I raise my eyebrows. He points with a face saying, ‘in your garden, you stupid stranger!’. I smile and let him in.
I walk behind him, trying to keep up, slightly insecure with the idea of him flicking something that is mine. The landline rings. Oh boy! In a panicked moment, I see the kid rush into the garden, and I strafe to the phone.
‘Hello?’. Silence. ‘Hello-o..? Anyone there?’
A stifled sniff. ‘Hi Sid.’
Not a chance! I had made every crisp arrangement so this call would not come through.
‘How did you..’ ‘It’s not important’, she cut me off.
‘It is!’, I asserted. ‘I made sure this number would be kept secret.’
‘Now that I’ve called, looks like u didn't really make sure’. Involuntarily, my fist clenches. I close my eyes, breathe deep.
‘What do you want?’
‘You know, Sid.’ I did.
‘Had I known, I wouldn’t have asked.’
‘Still trying snappy comebacks?’
‘I don’t have time to waste. I’m busy, so..’
‘Busy drinking? Smoking?’. She’d cut me off again!
‘I quit all of that.’ It was hard.
‘I know.’
A long silence follows. A few invaluable moments and a couple of sniffs later,
‘I miss you, Sid..’ ‘Don’t!’ This time I had to cut her off. My throat had begun clotting, my hands were trembling as I held the receiver to my ear. Maybe even they were debating whether to cut the call or press the receiver closer to my sweaty face.
‘You didn’t even tell me you were going!’
‘It was intentional. I didn’t want to.’ Now my eyes are shutting as tightly as they can. My head bows down. Remorse.
‘You couldn’t, could you?’ I couldn’t.
‘Oh don’t flatter yourself. I meant to go in any case. Telling you wasn’t going to change anything!’
‘It wasn’t going to change anything’ Why did she repeat my words? Why did her voice not shake when she did?
‘Why are you being like this?! Do you have any idea how much it hurts? I’m in a place with so many faces, and every single day until today I wanted to see only one face, which was the only one absent!’
I shared the same grief. When I was in the same place as her, it would so bother me to see her smiling, laughing, making merry. And now, half way around the world, just that one mental image of her laughing heartily, mouth open wide and head shaking vigorously, makes me feel so comfortable!
‘Say something for Christ’s sake!’ she cries.
My heart sinks. But I made a decision while leaving. And I mean to abide by it.
‘What do u want me to say? You’ve still got known people around you! I’M the one in a different country! So what if I’m not around you?’ I realized I was screaming. I brought it down to a mere whisper ‘when I was there, you wouldn’t care less, and now that I’m missing, suddenly there’s an urge to talk to me? How do you even function?!’ My teeth have clenched by now, and my voice resembles a growl.
‘You always meant to me as much as you do right now. Is this so easy for you? Going away, far far away so that you can escape from the brutal games of the heart?’
‘Oh believe me, this is not easy! Having to start a completely new version of your life and more so when you’re leaving something so precious behind, is HARD!’
‘Then come back. It’s so hard for us both, and we want to be at the same place right now, then why are you not here?’
This was the first time since we had separated that she had been so frank. Or maybe I had learned the hard way to be independent and so her talks seemed so transparent.
‘I can’t.’ I muttered.
‘You don’t want to?’
‘I never said that. There are things to take care of here. I’m indispensable.’
I wasn’t. I had asked for this as a special favour.
‘I don’t know what it is that you’re doing there. I just can’t digest it.’
‘I know you can’t’
‘Sid, it’s necessary for me to convey my feelings to you, and I went through so much trouble to get your number, and I thought when I heard your voice I would know what to say, but I don’t!’
‘You went through a lot of trouble?’
‘No, not much really’ As the words sunk in, a draft of pain raced across my face.
‘Just to let you know, I was just introspecting when you called. About ..’
‘I can guess what about. And that is why this call was imperative.’
A short silence came, which was almost horrifying. My words were getting stuck at the tip of my throat. My lips were dry, I had ruffled through my hair so many times I looked like a junkie.
I heaved a sigh. ‘I’ll come back when my work here is finished’
‘I know you enough to be sure that either you will come sooner than that, or you will become a memory for me’
Good Lord! A few quick tears trickled down my cheek. How did she know me so well? And whatever made her call me was reason enough because everything she had said over the past few long minutes, was so heartfelt and genuine, it reached to me in its truest form.
‘I miss you too’
She cried. Openly. ‘Please come back honey.’ I could not answer.
‘I love you!’
That sealed it. I had never said it to her, and vowed never to, but here she was, pouring it out from her heart, and it hurt me so much! That I had never said it myself, that it had to come to this for her to say it, that it had to be said at all! I wept as I felt her love for me, I wept for all these years we had spent only knowing in our hearts, and never breaking silence to see what the other felt, I wept for every time we danced and moved away and acted as if nothing was special about the gentle moves.
‘I love you dearly! I’m so sorry, I do, I do love you!’ I don’t remember having cried like this in ages.
‘I know’, she whispered.
I put down the receiver. There was an infinity in the wall I was staring at. I turned, moved across to the couch, sat down slowly. The tears had begun drying up on my cheek. I wasn’t sweating. I sipped on that juice, which was pretty warm by now. There was hardly anything concrete going on in my head, just a ruthless wavering, as if to play touch and run with all the emotions my heart held.
I hadn’t noticed the kid hurry out. Nor the delightful smells of rice and meat from the kitchen. I walked back to the window, this time every step being a swift stride. And again there it was, the same view outside, the same endless vastness, but this time, it was my eyes that had cleaned themselves. I saw the subtle nuances in every motion and stillness in that view. Every breath felt so comforting. The heavy heart I had held for so long, was now prancing with joy.
And then it came. The most awaited smile! I dearly loved her. And She more than reciprocated. This land was strange no more. A young couple I could see shared the same love. The birds flying as if crashing into one another felt the same unsaid love.
I ran down and dialed. She picked up. ‘Hello?’

Today is the last day of my stay here. I’ve spent endless hours every day on the phone since that evening. I’m in a hurry to go back now. My clothes are formal, all the comfortable wear packed off in a suitcase in the car, I’ve checked for every thing I’d brought with me, the servant walks up.
‘Effrything ready, mistar Sid’ I nod. ‘Thank you’, she says.
I give her a little gift and a bonus. She trots back down the driveway, out onto the street, and waves as she does. I wave back, smile, and close the door. And I venture on towards the longest journey of my time. The journey back to the girl I love. The journey back home.


Attachment, Going Away, Heart, Honest Feelings, Intense Emotions, Love, Phone Call, Pure Love, Story

Meet the author

author avatar Sidzo
Human behaviour, relationships.
I'm an eternal romantic. Love women. They don't return the favour. I'm an actor, write plays and stuff, play the drums and sing. Crass.
And i love praise.

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