downright nasty

hotcheetos By hotcheetos, 20th Jul 2016 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/1c3txmk9/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Poetry>Humor

This poem is based on actual events, although it has been blown out of proportion in order to make it more amusing.

downright nasty

against my better judgment
I took my mother's advice
and tried something called
"Organic Raw Apple Cider Vinegar with Mother"
no joke
that's what this stuff is called
you can't make something like that up
she told me to take a tea spoon full every day
she said
"it will make you feel better"
I thought to myself
"what do I have to lose"
so at lunch
I dropped by the health food store
where everyone looked pale
shaky
and thin
kind of like a market for the living dead
a health food store where no one looked very healthy
except for the cashier
who must have weighed about 300 lbs.
I found the stuff my mom was babbling about
it didn't look very healthy
much less appetizing
as a matter of fact
it looked downright nasty
it looked like bottled crap
water dipped out of a scum covered pond
there were weird particles floating around in the murky depths
of the ghoulish looking liquid
and strange little creatures swimming about
they looked suspiciously like sea monkeys
or mosquito larva
some of the little bastards appeared to have their faces pressed
against the inside of the bottle
leering at me
so what did I do
I bought some of course
took it home
unscrewed the lid
the smell of the stuff was so bad the stench was almost visible
the fumes appeared to crawl out of the bottle
making a hissing sound like a deranged cat
I was suddenly wondering if the stuff tasted as bad as it smelled
I grabbed a spoon
poured a nice healthy dose
I decided it would be best to get it over with as quickly as possible
I put the spoon in my mouth
squeezed my eyes shut
and swallowed
the reaction was immediate
my nose hairs burst into flames
it felt like a roaring forest fire was raging in my nostrils
I was desperately trying to remember the last time I had tasted
anything that foul
my tongue jumped out of my mouth
landed on the kitchen counter
stood up
looked at me and yelled
"what the fuck is that shit!"
my gag reflex fled
my legs were suddenly wobbly
I grabbed onto the kitchen counter to keep from falling down
I think I actually farted fire
I can't be sure
my memory of the event is vague now
something akin to a really traumatic car crash
I was reduced to a sound somewhere between a low moan
and a muffled scream
I have never thought for one second in my life what whale piss
might taste like
but I suddenly realized perhaps I had just found out
the thought of taking one spoonful of that every day was like
smashing my thumb with a hammer once an hour
or punching myself in the groin once a day
my eyes were watering as the burning fumes continued to exit
my nostrils
my nose hair had been singed away
my mucous membranes
gone
my vision
blurred
I began to hallucinate dozens of little Tinker Bells flying around the room
each one holding a super soaker water gun filled to overflowing with that vile
Lucifer's urine
also known as "Organic Raw Apple Cider Vinegar with Mother"
the Tinker Bells were giggling and flitting about the air like hummingbirds
spraying each another with that nasty crap
each time one of the tiny Tinker Bells got hit with the awful liquid
they would emit a blood curdling scream and spiral straight to the floor
like little World War I biplanes
I think a few of them even left smoking trails in the air before crashing in a
burst of flames
several minutes later I started to slowly come back to my senses
I couldn't speak
my tongue was using the sink sprayer to shower itself off
I had bought the smallest bottle the store had
but looking at it sitting on the counter made me feel as though I were looking
at a 55 gallon drum of toxic sludge
and now I had the testicle shriveling task of drinking every last drop of the
bubbling
stinking
putrid
demon possessed
puss yellow goop
the freakish little creatures in the bottle were laughing their asses off
just looking at the bottle made me want to spew
with shaking hands I managed to put the lid back on the bottle
I barely managed to croak
"never again"

Tags

Poem, Poetry

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Comments

author avatar Mariah
23rd Jul 2016 (#)

Brilliant!!

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