run amok

hotcheetos By hotcheetos, 21st Apr 2017 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Fictional Verse

This is a poem that describes a very dark and terrible time in my life. I was going through a terrible separation at the time and it very nearly killed me.

run amok

how do you lose the will to live
seriously
where does it go
it does not seem like a tangible thing
perceptible to the touch
like a ring
a sock
or a shirt
so where does it go
does it dissipate like smoke
does it evaporate like boiling water
which brings me to another question
do insane people know they are insane
or do they walk around all day
believing they are perfectly normal
and everyone else
is fucked up in the head
I will see the counselor again
in a couple of days
which will give me time to think
about what I should say
or shouldn't say
since my filter is gone
I love the way she tortures me
keeping me alive
on a strict diet of loss and grief
I didn't bring up the "S" (suicide) word last session
previously
when I spoke about it so bluntly
so casually
I could see it bothered her
the counseling office is small
what some would even call cozy
or perhaps it only seemed that way
because it was snowing pretty heavily
and the office was warm
lit only by a couple of lamps
one side of the counseling office
is plate glass
from floor to ceiling
you can see seven stories down
to the parking lot below
and across the way
you can see another building
which is part of the hospital complex
I had the craziest thought
of suddenly leaping up
from the cozy sofa
and jumping through the window
falling to the parking lot below
laughing hysterically all the way down
who knows
maybe through some warped sense of fate's humor
I would land directly on the counselor's brand new Mercedes
I imagine that would really ruin her day
not to mention mine
but that goes without saying
I keep falling down
emotionally that is
I woke up at 2:30 a.m.
and couldn't go back to sleep
I keep thinking
I'm finally going to lose
the rest of my marbles
the few I have left
rolling around in this head of mine
I don't want to love anything anymore
I don't want to care
about anything anymore
if the cost is this high
if the pain is this great
I think I can stop
I mean really stop
if I can find a way
to collapse in upon myself
I think it will be over
it would be so easy to just stop
give up the struggle
lay down
and not get up again
I'm tired but can't sleep
I haven't eaten in days
but I'm still not hungry
how is that possible
how long can I go without sleep
without food
I don't feel completely alive
I feel mostly dead
I know tomorrow is another day
I'm surviving on a tiny sliver of hope
the hope that tomorrow
I will be just a little bit better
that this gaping hole
inside of me
will somehow be gone
or that it will start to fill up with something
besides hurt
there is a void inside
where my heart used to reside
maybe I should take a trip
to see the wizard
so he can give me a new one
whatever it would take
to get me out of this place
where I look around
and see everyone going on with their lives
as though everything is okay
but everything is not okay
because it feels as though my world
has come to a terrible
terrible
and abrupt
end

Tags

Poem, Poetry

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