sexuality is very confusing

William Ross By William Ross, 31st Mar 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/7ohen37m/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Sexuality & Gender

This is a story of how confusing it is trying to figure out my sexuality, the struggles I've went through all my life even now as i'm approaching past my middle age.

sexuality is very confusing

I’ve struggled all my life with my sexuality since I was a child and molested repeatedly.
For my younger years I don’t think I really understood the differences in sexuality. I’m not sure I would have been attracted to men if it weren’t for being molested. That gave me a taste of homosexuality, sex with another man.
When I was 14 I got my first sex with an 15 year old girl, I enjoyed it totally as the two of us continued a sexual affair for the next few months.
But I sought out other boys that were interested in jerking off together or other sexual activities. Through out my teenage years, even when dating and sleeping with other women, I always had a taste for men as well.
I’ve been married and divorced a couple times through out my life have 3 children with my second wife. But even though I was married and truly loved these women. My taste for men never left. I would always go on the search for a man that wanted sex.
I’d Look in men’s rooms, parks, adult bookstores and even bars, telling my wife I was going out for a bit.
Maybe today I would classify myself as a bisexual, in part no thanks to my molestations as a child. I often wonder if I would have chosen this path if not molested. But then seeing married or not I’m always on the search for men, am I gay in denial hiding behind a marriage or relationship with a women.
My life has been an ongoing fight with my sexuality, even today in my 50’s I’m still half confused by it. I love my wife to hell and back, but still hold the cravings for another man. I use to try gay porn to help settle my cravings for men through masturbation, use sex toys for that craving of the penis. It only helped for a while.
I don’t like the idea of cheating on my wife by looking for male contact, but the feelings and needs I have toward other men are pretty strong.
Am I really a gay man hiding behind my wife, afraid to come out in the open, or am I a Bi male that just needs it both ways. I do totally enjoy making love to my wife, but I feel the need for more.
My wife knows of my molestations as a child, and that for most of my life have had sex with men, She seems to take it in stride, and don’t think she would be all that upset if she found out, But it’s something I don’t want to find out. She may assume it was in my past and that I have changed, I don’t know, I never came clean with her and let her know I was still actively in search of male sex.
Sexuality can be so confusing even as an adult, I’m not sure that anyone has really figured it out for sure.

Tags

Bisexual, Sexual, Sexual Attitudes, Sexual Attraction, Sexual Behavior, Sexual Desire, Sexuality

Meet the author

author avatar William Ross
Retired on SSDI, trying to finish a memoir of my service time in the Marines.

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Comments

author avatar Mark Gordon Brown
31st Mar 2014 (#)

Thank you for your honesty about your sexuality. It is such a puzzle but so many boys who were molested are later attracted to men, when you think the opposite would be true. Sorry about what happened to you.

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author avatar William Ross
31st Mar 2014 (#)

Thanks for your comment

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author avatar Andres Fragoso Jr
23rd Apr 2014 (#)

I agree with you. Sexuality is very confusing. Growing up I wasn't necessarily raised straight or gay. I was just raised and treated sometimes as a reaction to my actions. As a kid I learned to crochet, knit, sew, cook, clean, wash laundry on rocks at the river, shopping, fashion. All this in a small town, up in the mountains of Jalisco. Literally a hundred years in the past in ways of mentality, technology, and ways of life. My feelings were so ingrained in my psych as a bad thing. The words of a priest telling me that I lie and need to say a few Hail Maries, and repent for my lies gave me an exit in organized religion. I saw the hipocroy of the men in town. Taking advantage of me for being week, femenine, and easily taken by them. From the kid in my 5th grade class to the old man down the street. I thought this was a way of life. It wasn't, It isn't. I guess I lived in denial of being molested as a kid. I would never say that that's the reason I'm gay. I will say that that's the reason why I'm hid from men with my weight and yet long for a man to wake up in the morning and actually feel safe in his arms, as he breaths in my ear, holds me tight before the day starts.
Yes, sexuality is confusing. We didn't grow up with Gay Role Models that the kids of today have more of.
One day I'll let go of my demons, feel safe enough to fall in love. I feel for you, I really do. You have taken the first step of accepting yourself, now all you can do is take the next step and accept others who do and don't accept you. What is important is how you feel about yourself. No one else matters. You are what matters. I know that I matter and hell with the world. I am happy.

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author avatar Kingwell
23rd Mar 2015 (#)

I truly admire your honesty in writing about your sexuality as you have done here. I think it can be a big help to others. There is no doubt but that sexuality can be very confusing and sadly there are still many people who think that being gay is somehow wrong and we still have a long way to go before before it is accepted. I'm sorry for what happened to you as a child but it may not be the reason you enjoy sex with other men. I hope too that you will find true contentment and peace of mind. Blessings.

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