the cats in the hat

hotcheetos By hotcheetos, 16th May 2016 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Humor

This is my attempt at being funny. It's a fictional account of a fictional dream. Enjoy.

the cats in the hat

I've barely slept all week and last night was no exception.
I didn't drift off to sleep until after 1 a.m. At 3 a.m. I was awakened by this horrible racket in the back yard. It was two cats.
It sounded like they were both giving birth to porcupines. I pulled the covers over my head and tried to go back to sleep.
I was having the best dream I have had in ages. In the dream I was lying on a bed made of 10,000 green Jell-O shots with two Victoria Secret models. For some strange reason, in the dream, this cute blond cashier that works at the local grocery store was there with a digital camera. The only thing she was wearing was an apron and a red and white stripped top hat just like the one worn by Dr. Seuss's Cat in the Hat.
I didn't want to get up from the warm covers but the yowling just got worse. It had reached a point close to a banshee wail or a baby seal being crammed into a paper shredder. I couldn't stand it any longer. I got up. The yowling suddenly stopped. I stood there in the middle of my bedroom in my shorts and T-shirt waiting for what sounded like a feline crucifixion to start up again. I scratched my belly.
Hmmm, I guess they're done. I go back and lay down. As soon as my head touched the pillow the wailing began again. Even worse than before. SHIT!!!
Now I'm pissed off. I jump out of bed, cross the bedroom, walk across the living room, through the dining room toward the back door. Maybe I should get a pitcher of water to throw on them while yelling, "Get a room!"
Through the back door the wailing sounds like a horde of demons. I think about calling a priest as I open the door. The back porch light is already on.
I step out on the backyard patio.
The cat on the right is completely black and the one on the left is black and white (or white and black, depending on your preference). They are about three feet apart and they are staring at each other while having this ear piercing screaming match.
I start walking toward the two cats and I'm saying stuff like, "Sho ... Get ... Go on ... Get outta here ... Scat ..."
They are so intent on each other that they don't see me until I'm about six feet away. Now this part was really funny.
They both turn their heads and look at me at the same time. Their eyes bug out of their heads like ping pong balls. They both take off and run right into each other. Now they're both rolling around on the lawn trying to get back on their feet. I'm watching this strange cat crash while standing there in the back yard in my shorts. They finally get orientated and take off in different directions. Then I notice how cold it is and the wind is blowing like hell. There is a bright early morning moon in the sky. The wind has reached in and grabbed my twig and berries in an icy grip. I'm slowly losing my manhood.
I turn around, head back into the house and I'm thinking how cold the covers are going to be when I crawl back into bed. Yep, just like sliding between two giant slices of cold pastrami.
I'm lying there wide awake now; fuming.
Damn cats!
It takes a good 45 minutes for me to fall back asleep. I'm hoping to start the dream off where I left it. Hopefully, the Victoria Secret models haven’t gone anywhere.
I'm dreaming ... uh,oh ... what's this?
The Victoria Secret models are now lying on a bed of 10,000 open cans of cat food. The stench is so bad my gag reflex goes into overdrive. It reeks like an abandoned tuna boat. One of the models is actually holding a can of cat food in one hand and using a silver spoon to shovel mouth fools of the reeking mystery meat into her gorgeous mouth.
What's worse is, she's giggling while she's eating it. How is that possible?
I can actually see a picture of a cat's face on the label of the can. The cat has that A-typical feline "Don't give a shit stare."
The other model opens her mouth and a "she bitch from hell" screech - something akin to a B-grade horror movie monster scream - comes out of her mouth.
The blond in the apron and hat lifts the camera to her face and yells, "Action!"
Why me?



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